Deaths Apprentice
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: At a tender age Dipper becomes the apprentice of death...and botches his first job...oh, this won't end well...Dedicated to Terry Pratchet!
1. Chapter 1

**Death's apprentice**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

Mr. Pines shakes his head at the sight of his five year old son carving cryptograms into a stump.

"That boy ain't right" He said flatly. "Whatever you say dear." His wife says not really paying attention.

The man continues to scowl. "Spending all day chasing non-existent creatures, pondering fairy tales as if they actual theory's...I mean really! How is any of that healthy!?" "Whatever you say dear" Repeats the wife.

The man shakes his head. What this boy needs is a good old taste of reality! The real world!...And I think I know just how to give it to him! "Whatever you say dear." Again repeats his wife...

…...

-And that's how Dipper found himself at an Apprentice convention. "Uh, dad...are you sure this is legal?"

His father just waved off his concerns. "In this state yes...that's why we drove here." Mr. Pines was annoyed. Despite it being legal, no one seemed willing to take his son! Child labor laws. BAH!...Honestly! What did that even mean!?

Dipper meanwhile, was conflicted. On the one hand he didn't feel comfortable leaving home for a couple years to work for a stranger...on the other hand it would keep him away from his depressingly 'normal' family...So for now Dipper was on the fence about the whole thing.

Suddenly, Dipper saw something strange...A mouse wearing a black cloak and carrying a small scythe; looks up to him, waves, and runs off. Curious, Dipper quickly ran after it. His father still trying to convince a cheesemaker to overlook child safety laws to accept his son...Didn't even notice.

Dipper, meanwhile had followed the mouse...to Death. **HELLO BOY, CARE FOR A JOB?**

Dipper...Being Dipper...Squealed in delight. Death shook his head. **RIGHT, THAT'LL BE THE FIRST THING WE WORK ON.** The Death of Mouses could only nod.

…...A couple months latter...

Dipper was ecstatic! The last couple months had been great! Sure, he'd have to lie and say he was working for an Undertaker. But his father was just happy to see him go to work!

He loved Death's domain! He could spend his whole life exploring it and never see 1% of it!

He loved his library! So much 'dead' information to learn! He also loved ridding Binky! …..He could do without Albert though, that man was just Cantankerous!

But anyway, today was a great day! Death was going to let him harvest his first soul! In the past couple of months Death had let him watch as he killed a drug dealer, a pimp, and a serial killer! Best of all, before the job your allowed to see how many lives you save by killing him! In this instance Dipper was only given that one bit of information as he was teleported on his way solo!

 _57 lives saved!? I'm going to be a hero!_

…...

 _-Or not._ Thought a now deeply depressed Dipper as he beheld the sight of a red-headed girl crying over her bed-ridden, sickly mother...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **Dedicated to terry pratchet, god speed good sir. Your next adventure awaits!**

 **Also don't forget to give a shout out to my mom's birthday story on my page!**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**

 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	2. Chapter 2

**Death's apprentice ch.2**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

Dipper was sweating like a pig. He made sure he was still cloaked as he walked forward...as he listened to the woman comfort her 8-year old daughter about her struggling with **cancer**...Dipper knew he couldn't do it. _Why couldn't he have just given me another gang-banger?_ Groaned Dipper inwardly, he turned around to leave...

 **CRASH!**

-which just happened to be the same time the girl was getting up to do something, causing them to crash together. "who's there!? Snapped the girl angrily. Dipper tried to run but she grabbed at the air around her, and was lucky enough to grab his collar. Naturally being terrified about this invisible intruder, she did what came natural to her and threw whatever it was to the ground.

This apparently was too much for whatever power kept him invisible, because it choose that time to conk out. Both kids just stared at each other in shock. The girl was especially freaked out. "Wha- Who are you?" She asked confused. Before Dipper could stammer anything she snatched up deaths scythe. "And what is this?" She asks as she holds it awkwardly-

 **ZAP!**

Which accidentally causes her to harvest the soul of a nearby bowl of petunias. Seeing this, the girl starts panicking. She grabs Dipper by his neck. "What is this!? Who are you!?" She demands angrily while she violently shook him. Dipper now very scared, confessed to everything.

Wendy gave him an incredulous look. "57 lives? That's bull! My mom wouldn't do that!" "I'm only telling you what it said on the card!" Confessed a weary Dipper. The girl shook her head. "Whatever, since your not going to do it...dose that mean my mom will be fine?"

She asked hopefully. Dipper sighed. "I'm sorry...but even if death doesn't come to harvest her himself...it'll just delay the inevitable before she just dies naturally." The girl was crying now. "Please." She begged. "your clearly a good person...otherwise you would've just killed her...please help me save her!"

Seeing the pretty girl cry...well, men have been inspired to do stupider things for less. So Dipper was quick to to think...re-reading all those books in deaths house with his minds eye...he got it.

"Okay...I think I have an idea...there's this herb-

"Where!?" Demanded Wendy as she tore through his clothes like a mad dog in heat. "Where is it!? Give it to me now! My mom needs it!" I DON'T HAVE IT WITH ME! Shouted a now very embarrassed and naked Dipper. Wendy also became embarrassed seeing what her mad frenzy had done to the poor 5-year old.

"Oh...sorry...I-I'll go get you some pants." she stated awkwardly. After getting new clothes, Dipper used the Scythe to travel to one of Deaths favorite worlds...

…...

"The Turtle moves!" Exclaimed one of the men in saffron as a little boy jumped out of a portal, snatched one of their sacred herbs, and jumped back through the portal...

…...

Quickly, they chopped it up and fed it to her mom. Dipper left to face the music(but not before getting a light peck on the check as a thank you). The woman, having seen it all but being too weak to say or do anything...smiled...

…...

Death sighed. **WE'LL I GUESS IT CAN'T BE HELPED, WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.**

"Your not mad?" asked Dipper surprised. Death shrugged. **WE'LL I CAN'T KEEP YOU AS AN APPRENTICE...BUT ASIDE FROM THAT NOT REALLY.**

Dipper gave a sigh of relief. He was a bit saddened that he wouldn't be staying here...but considering that his punishment could've been **much** worse...he wasn't going to complain. Quickly he thanked Death for everything and went off to pack.

Albert materialized next to death. "Your playing with fire...You do realize that? Intertwining the fate of that world and **that** town?" Death nodded. **YES...BUT FRANKLY I'M SICK OF THOSE AUDITORS...AND THIS IS THE ONLY (TECHNICALLY)LEGAL WAY TO GET RIDE OF THEM THAT WON'T ALLOW THE DUNGEON DEMONS THE UPPER HAND!...BESIDES I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO KILL THAT WOMAN.**

He then gave a dismissive hand wave. **NOW ENOUGH OF THAT, READY THE BOYS "SEVERANCE PACKAGE".** Albert groans as he desperately tries to lift the large thing of luggage without it nipping off his hands...

…...

Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler was confused. One moment he was pulling his cart through Ankh-Morpork...the next he was here. _Well, serves me right for maxing out my bartab I guess...well whatever, as long as this cesspits got paying customers, I shant complain._

Thinks the merchant as he heads into the town of Gravity Falls...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	3. Chapter 3

**Death's apprentice ch.3**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

At first Dippers parents were annoyed that Dipper got himself fired so quickly...then when they saw the 'severance package' his employer gave him...Their feelings became much more mixed.

Mabel at first was also afraid of Luggage...but once she got passed the hundreds of rows of razor-sharp teeth, and the fact it was living suitcase...she began to see it as just a bigger cat to give tummy rubs and treats to!

Of course, their parents weren't quite so understanding.

First they tried to get ride of it themselves-

 **CHOMP!**

Then they called an exterminator-

 **CHOMP!**

Then they called the police-

 **CHOMP!**

Then they called the national guard-

 **CHOMP!**

Then the army-

 **CHOMP!**

After that they just gave up...

…...

Now in a different universe Dipper Pines would have spent a large portion of his childhood bullied and plagued with confidence issues about his own strength and sanity.

...This was not that universe. True he was still ostracized and to a greater extent(especially with his parents)...But never bullied...Luggage made sure of that. As for his confidence...Well, when you've survived a brush with death...what else can intimidate you? Also it was hard to question whether the supernatural was real or just inside one's head, when one had Sapient Pearwood as a constant companion...

So overall, Dipper was happier...for the time being.

… **...7 years after Dipper was fired as an apprentice...**

Agent Powers and Agent Trigger walk up to the pine family house. "Alright, Trigger. Considering what were going to ask of them, be sure to expect a big confrontation." Trigger nodded in confirmation.

When they knocked, a very weary Mr. Pines answered the door. Agent Powers stood at attention. "Mr. Pines, were with the government. We have reason to believe your children maybe infected with the  
Pratchet virus so-

"I understand, we'll have them ready to go within the hour." Said a relieved Mr. Pines. He quickly ran to do just that. There was a long, awkward, confused pause..."Well, that was anti-climactic." Stated Trigger simply. Powers could only nod...

…...

"I can't believe they'd just do this to us." Stated Mabel in hurt disbelief to Dipper as the bus drove them over the quarantine boundary. Dipper sighed. "Mabel, considering how badly our relationship with our parents had become. I've pretty much been preparing for this day a long time...

Truth be told, aside from Mabel. Dipper felt no real connection to the family anymore...and he was fine with that. Mabel frowned, she was a similar mindset...but it still hurt...still, if Dipper was here. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad?

Dipper meanwhile considered what they'd been told by the agents. Needles to say it didn't surprise him one bit the 'virus' had been a hoax. What did surprise him was why the hoax was setup. Apparently, several years back strange people and creatures began to appear around this area. And the virus was just an excuse made up to contain them all in one part of the country.

While Dipper considered the implications of this, the bus came to gravity falls-

 **GRAHHH!**

Shouts a mountain-sized Troll as it dose battle with a dragon. They crush the entire road in front of the bus-

 **RING!**

Goes the quitting bell. Both creatures quickly stop what their doing and help each other up. "Great job today frank." Says the troll. "You too bob." Says the dragon. Together they walk off, punch the clock and head home.

Mabel clutches Dipper terrified. But Dipper just smiles. _I'm finally home._ He thinks to himself...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	4. Chapter 4

**Death's apprentice ch.4**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

"GAH! Dipper! Would it kill you to wash your clothes more often!?" Shouts an exasperated Mabel as they unpacked in their new room. Dipper shrugs. "Hey I have more important things to do...And it looks like my schedule is about to get more hectic!" He said excited!

This town was crawling with supernatural creatures! And their were people here who looked like they belonged at a renaissance fair!(or dark age fair anyway) Downstairs, their Grunkle Stan was arguing with Night watchmen!(something about fairy trafficking?) This was going to be great!

Mabel just rolled her eyes as she lifted up his large pile of filthy clothes and walked out of the room to wash them. Dipper again just shrugs as he goes back to unpacking.

Suddenly someone else was at the door. Dipper flushed. It was that cute teenage girl that was going to be working at the Shack! What was she doing here?

"Oh...hey...Wendy is it?" Asks Dipper awkwardly. Wendy smiled. "Nice to see you again Dipper." Dipper blanched. "Wait, how'd you know my name?" He asked confused.

Wendy giggled. "Wow you really don't recognize me do you?" Dipper frowned...then suddenly the red hair brought it back to him. "Wait...you were that girl!" He finally realized in amazement. He'd never caught her name or where they actually were...Plus she was different now...more...'grown up'...

Dipper looked at her amazed. "Wow...this is just...wow! Great to see you again!"

She smiles. "Great to see you too. And there's something I really want to tell you... She leans down close to him. Dipper flushes at how close she was getting, what was she-

 **zip**

Dipper turned scarlet as Wendy pulled his Zipper **up.** Wendy giggled. "When you go commando, you should really make sure this is zipped." She playfully teased.

At that moment Dipper frantically wished his former master would just immediately harvest him and be done with it. He was painfully aware that between the time she last 'saw' him and now...he hadn't grown 'down there' at all...if anything he might have actually gotten smaller!

Dipper groaned. "I don't suppose you didn't see anything?" He asked miserably(while also vowing to make sure he cleans his clothes regularly from now on to avoid this situation). Wendy chuckles. "Sorry, I did. But it's okay, you defied Death to save my mom...Far as I'm concerned your the man!" To affirm this he kisses him full on the mouth.

Dipper's brain shuts down. Wendy ends the kiss satisfied. "Okay, While your in a good mood; how is it physically possible for you to pee from a wang that small?" She asked genuinely curious.

"I try not to think about it to hard...and just be thankful that I can." Says a deliriously happy Dipper.

 **...a couple days later...**

Lord Vetinari; Patrician of Ankh-Morpork turned Mayor of Gravity Falls. Sat at his office going over his numerous reports. _Let's see...They finally shut down the last remnants of that annoying 'Blind Eye Society'...Vimes finally got the evidence he needed to arrest that Gideon brat...Hmmmm ordinarily I don't condone arresting children...But I'm willing to make an exception in his case...Oh, it would seem that Preston Northwest used his 'bell' on his daughter right in front of Officer Angua...only to then 'accidentally' get horribly mauled to death...Oh well, what can you do?...Well, things seem to be going smooth...which usually means that big trouble is coming our way..._

Right on que one of his rat spies climbs into his office with a note. He reads it. "Oh, a 12 year old boy(of course it's a child, heaven forbid this happens to a responsible, mature adult) finds 'a great book of everything'(Oh goodie...like there aren't enough of those floating around)...How very droll." Says Vetenari sardonically.

Vetinari shakes his head. "Right, if were going to do this were doing it my way." He affirms. He turns on the intercom. "Tell my guard to send the Pines family to me immediately."...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


End file.
